Sick of Trying

Sometimes I wonder how the one person who is supposed to love and care about me the most somehow seems to do everything but. Parents are supposed to be their for their children no matter what. They should want to spend time with them and have a meaningful relationship with them. I love my father to death but it’s becoming very hard to even communicate with him. Just about every time I see him or speak to him I end up in tears. I don’t know what my deal is because it’s not like is just hateful. I guess I’m just really emotional and I don’t understand how the man that fathered me could give a poop less.

I know he isn’t going to be there for me financially and I’ve come to except that. However, I do want a father and a grandfather for my children that I may or may not someday have. As many people know, I’ve gone just about my whole life with only one parent and it’s a hard thing for a child to understand and be okay with. I’ve had step-mom’s but the first one was like Cinderella’s step-mom and the second well she’s just well, she’s Shirley.

Me and my day and my cousin Amy's wedding.

What I would really like is for just once my dad to call and invite me and my brother and possibly Josh, but even just me and my brother would be a good start, out to the house, or to dinner or something, anything. Now I have my extended family and my brother and they will always be there for me, but we all want what we can’t have, and in my case that’s a father. Someone I could count on when things went south or even just for a hug.

I’m sick of people giving me dirty looks and saying rude things when they find out that I hardly ever talk to my dad. They don’t know me and my life and what it’s like. Granit I have stopped trying. I give up. I’m tired of feeling like a pain in the ass. I tired of hearing the sighs and annoyment in the voices when I call. The only time I see my father is when I have to write him a check for the bills that are still in his name. And as soon as I get everything in my name and my school loan bills quit coming, I’m sure I’ll see/talk to him once or twice a year if that. It’s sad to say and I hate to say it but it’s true.

A long time ago.

Every year for his birthday I call him and take him and Shirley out to dinner. I mean you only get one birthday a year and I feel like you should celebrate it. Now when mine or my brother’s birthday comes along… we don’t get so much as a phone call. Every Christmas I ask if we are going to get together. Not because I want gifts, but because I want to spend time with my family and maybe share a nice meal. I could careless about all the gifts. This year, it’s not happening. I’m not going to call and try to make plans. I tired of them acting like we will do something as a family and then all of a sudden they are too busy, too tired or any other excuse they can think of why they can’t spend and hour or two with us.

Well now that I got that off my chest I feel a little better… Anyone got a drink?

I wish I were there now!

Lately I have been thinking more and more how I would like to go on a vacation this coming summer. Let’s just put money aside for a minute because we all know that vacations are expensive and I probably won’t be able to afford one this year.





I would really like to go somewhere tropical and all inclusive. It would be so nice to be able to sun bathe on the beach for a week with all the drinks you would want all included! I mean you wouldn’t have to worry about money the whole time while you were there because everything would have been already paid for.

The one place that I have been thinking about that I would really like to go is Jamaica! It is so beautiful there… At least on the resorts! I have looked at some of the resorts online and they seem fantastic! One thing about it is if I went I would want an ocean view room! That would be so amazing! All the beautiful sunsets and romantic walks on the beach! Ahh Makes me smile just thinking about it!

At the beginning of this year I was so siked to work out and loose a few pounds. Then Shape Up Missouri started and I have been doing horrible. I just don’t feel like working out or eating right. I want to eat what I want when I want. I think that most of it is because now that Shape Up Missouri has started I have to do it. Well I don’t have to, but my team will be pretty pissed if I don’t. While before it started it was just me doing something for me. I didn’t have to do anything unless I wanted to and there was no one there breathing down my neck. But I’m going to start doing better! No more slacking. No more excuses! I want to feel good about my self!

Nails

Last night Styx had a new experience! I cut his nails! He did such a good job. I held his paw and he just sat so still. I was so proud of him! He even got a little treat…

It's Lizzy's Birthday

Today is my friend Lizzy’s birthday! We are going to go out to eat and go see a movie. There are about four couples going and it should be fun. It is nice to know that there are still some people that can go out with their friends and not have to get wild and crazy! I mean don’t get me wrong I like to party every now and again but not as an every weekend occurrence.

The Right Time

Every night I go to sleep at about 10 pm. and then get up every morning around 7 am. Mind you this is through out the week. However, lately I have been really sleepy. I have been taking a nap on my lunch break and sometimes a nap when I get home from work and also sleep through the night. I really hope I’m not getting sick. This really isn’t a good time for me to be getting sick, but when is it a good time. Actually when is it a good time for anything?

A friend and I were talking the other day about how people say they are going to wait until the time is right. Well how do you know the time is right and will the right time ever come??? I believe that there is never a right time for things to happen. There is never a right time to have a child… I mean they are going to cost you no matter what and you will never be completely ready. We are never ready to let a loved one go when they have been taken from us. So really there is no right time.

I think we should just do things when the feel right and not try to wait around for the right time.

Money Money Money.... Money

Money isn’t everything right?

Yeah that’s what I always tell myself… however lately more and more I have noticed that money is something! Everything has a price. For instance the internet cost in order to write this blog… It is crazy when ever you sit down and actually think about everything that you buy or spend money on. Even the essentials cost so much!

Here recently I have been hit with a couple of big or shall I say huge bills! And in order to pay these bills I must cut back on my spending somewhere else since I live paycheck to paycheck. It’s hard but it has to be done. I mean just take a minute and think about everything you buy on a daily bases… in my case, my boyfriend and I go out to eat a lot! That is one of the things that will have to be cut for a while.

I kind of feel like I have to “stop living my life” for a while. All the things that I would normally buy and not even think about will have to be thought about.

And here is one way I think I may be able to start saving some money. Write down everything you spend. Whether cash, debt or credit card. I think it will really bring into perspective what I am spending money on and maybe help me to save some money to pay the ridiculously big bills. Just like everyone else, I have some items that I could cut back that I don’t “really” need; but I also have those things that I DO need no matter what in order to live.

Now don’t get the wrong idea. These bills aren’t because I was irresponsible or out of control with my spending. It’s just one of those things that pops up and you have to deal with.

Getting Started Early

Although Shape Up Missouri is only a week away, I decided to get started a little early. After finally pulling myself out of bed this morning I went downstairs for a little work out. I ran on the treadmill, did some sit-ups and part of my Biggest Looser workout video. Although my work out only lasted half an hour, it’s a start. It may have lasted a little longer had Styx not gotten sick. Poor little guy! I really want to stick with it this time!

Shape Up Missouri

Last fall some coworkers and I participated in Shape Up Missouri. We worked hard to exercise and loose weight. We were kind of disappointed in the end when we didn’t get any prizes besides a T-Shirt. Then today a big package came in the mail for our team captain. And yes. It was from Shape Up Missouri. We won a plaque! We were super excited and have no decide to participate again this spring… along with a bunch of other people from our office who now want to join after seen our plaque.

The spring session starts in like 10 days and then hopefully I will be able to loose 17 lb’s. That’s my goal. So girls you better help me work on that!

Need less to say I’m getting all my eating in now! I mean I minus well eat all the junk I want now… but not gain weight in the process because then I will have to loose even more.

Since I’m new to all this I have decided to introduce myself a little bit. By now you ought to know that my name is Jill. I graduated from Jefferson City High School in 2006 and went on to attend college at Metro Business College here in Jefferson City. I graduated in March of 2008 with an Associates degree in business and computers. I am now working a full time job along with a part time job that isn’t so part time. You see I only seem to work there about once a week, so call it what you want.

Josh and I have been dating for a while now. Our three year anniversary was on November 22. We live together in Jeff with our puppy Styx! We have been through some thick and thin times but are still holding on tight. If you asked me I wouldn’t know where I would be with out him. He’s super sweet and besides my brother basically the only family I’ve got.

Styx is a Boston Terrier. He is about 3 or 4… I think…. Which makes him what 21 or 28? Dang he’s as old as Josh! He loves toys that squeak and if the toy is like a stuffed animal he will have it ripped up within an hour! No Joke. Styx’s also loves people food. Sometimes while you’re eating he will begin to drool. Now tell me that’s not cute. Just today he had mac and cheese and chicken and dumplings. Now he is living the life. He sleeps all day then eats when we get home and then sleeps some more. Styx’s sleep’s on our bed. Although he couldn’t weigh more than like 25 lb’s he is a bed hog and snores like an old man. Styx also farts as if he eats refried beans everyday! It’s pretty bad, worse than a cup of soup! Everyone loves him cuz he’s just so darn cute and he especially loves my friend Ashley.

I recently dyed my hair and it turned out pretty dark… like it minus well be black. I’m not so sure about it, but I guess it’s ok… at least for now. It will probably get changed with in the next couple of months.

Lately I’ve been watching a lot of TV and one of my favorite shows has been Mama’s Boys! It’s pretty funny to see how upset some moms can become just from watching their sons interact with the “wrong” girl.

Starting a Blog

Some friends of mine at work read blogs a lot.... like everyday! And they decided that I should create one. And here I am... It is a little harder than I thought it would be. I really have no clue how all this works, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to let me hear them. I need all the help that I can get! No kidding!