Sick of Trying

Sometimes I wonder how the one person who is supposed to love and care about me the most somehow seems to do everything but. Parents are supposed to be their for their children no matter what. They should want to spend time with them and have a meaningful relationship with them. I love my father to death but it’s becoming very hard to even communicate with him. Just about every time I see him or speak to him I end up in tears. I don’t know what my deal is because it’s not like is just hateful. I guess I’m just really emotional and I don’t understand how the man that fathered me could give a poop less.

I know he isn’t going to be there for me financially and I’ve come to except that. However, I do want a father and a grandfather for my children that I may or may not someday have. As many people know, I’ve gone just about my whole life with only one parent and it’s a hard thing for a child to understand and be okay with. I’ve had step-mom’s but the first one was like Cinderella’s step-mom and the second well she’s just well, she’s Shirley.

Me and my day and my cousin Amy's wedding.

What I would really like is for just once my dad to call and invite me and my brother and possibly Josh, but even just me and my brother would be a good start, out to the house, or to dinner or something, anything. Now I have my extended family and my brother and they will always be there for me, but we all want what we can’t have, and in my case that’s a father. Someone I could count on when things went south or even just for a hug.

I’m sick of people giving me dirty looks and saying rude things when they find out that I hardly ever talk to my dad. They don’t know me and my life and what it’s like. Granit I have stopped trying. I give up. I’m tired of feeling like a pain in the ass. I tired of hearing the sighs and annoyment in the voices when I call. The only time I see my father is when I have to write him a check for the bills that are still in his name. And as soon as I get everything in my name and my school loan bills quit coming, I’m sure I’ll see/talk to him once or twice a year if that. It’s sad to say and I hate to say it but it’s true.

A long time ago.

Every year for his birthday I call him and take him and Shirley out to dinner. I mean you only get one birthday a year and I feel like you should celebrate it. Now when mine or my brother’s birthday comes along… we don’t get so much as a phone call. Every Christmas I ask if we are going to get together. Not because I want gifts, but because I want to spend time with my family and maybe share a nice meal. I could careless about all the gifts. This year, it’s not happening. I’m not going to call and try to make plans. I tired of them acting like we will do something as a family and then all of a sudden they are too busy, too tired or any other excuse they can think of why they can’t spend and hour or two with us.

Well now that I got that off my chest I feel a little better… Anyone got a drink?